


Clash

by Maisie_top_trash



Series: Unseen - Fear Will Lose [33]
Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Anxiety, M/M, Make Up, Mental Illness, OCD, Panic Attacks, Relapse, Stress, argument, fight, mental health
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-22
Updated: 2017-12-22
Packaged: 2019-02-18 11:45:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,055
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13099416
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maisie_top_trash/pseuds/Maisie_top_trash
Summary: Unseen Fear Will Lose is a series of single chapter stories showing unseen scenes from the same universe as my main story, Fear Will Lose. In order to fully enjoy these extra bits, I recommend you go and read that first.Fear Will LoseAlmost a year after the wedding, things aren't quite so picture perfect. The demands from the office are threatening to drown Josh and Tyler doesn't get to walk away scratch free either. A clash is inevitable.





	Clash

**Author's Note:**

  * For [twenty_one_pilots_fan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/twenty_one_pilots_fan/gifts).



> Inspired by a suggestion from the beautiful twenty_one_pilots_fan <3 thank you for your ongoing support Lisa xx
> 
>  
> 
> TW - mention of suicidal thoughts and scars

Tyler had had a meh day. It wasn't especially bad but it also wasn't especially good either. It was just, meh.

Recently he'd started working a bit more, increasing from 2 mornings a week to 3. He taught privates too, the odd half hour here and there, but that still left a whole lot of time to do nothing. The school that employed him had said he could work full time if he wanted, but he knew it was too much of a leap and he wouldn't realistically be able to manage, so settled on Monday, Tuesday, Friday, 9 till 12. Of course 8 to 12 would have been safer, much, much safer, but he was doing his best to ignore OCD thoughts and considered his hours as an exposure task.

When his time wasn't filled with teaching music or attending therapy, he tried to take Dr Wakefield's advice and relax, but it was harder than it sounded. Blank space liked to be filled by his sickness riddled imagination, often leading to obsession and compulsions and potentially even hallucinations.

Hallucinations were rare of late, maybe one or two a month and hardly ever violent enough to earn a major reaction from Tyler. He still feared them though, feared the idea of one coming along at any moment.

So to combat those fears, Tyler liked to distract and occupy himself. On the walk home from the elementary school that morning, he'd taken the long route via the toy store and picked up another 1000 piece jigsaw puzzle and a pack of microwave popcorn from 7 Eleven. He'd had a decent first attempt at the landscape scene and it currently laid on the dining room table, the majority of one edge filled in and the corners in position but the remaining tiles scrambled in the middle, and the popcorn was gone already, a much needed comfort whilst watching The Notebook alone on the sofa.

Josh was late home, again. Tyler knew work was stressful and the upcoming case was intense and the pressure from the partners was crippling, but he couldn't help missing Josh. Every morning he disappeared before Tyler woke, and more often than not he only reappeared just as Tyler was winding down for bed. And it wasn't just during the week either, he'd been working every weekend for the last 5 weekends and had even bunked over at the office twice in that time.

He wasn't annoyed at Josh and fully understood that his case was incredibly important, but he couldn't deny the small part of him that felt slightly abandoned only 10 months into their marriage. And it was irrational, he knew that as soon as the case was over then Josh would be rewarded with a huge bonus and a week's holiday and they could go back to their usual happy relationship, it was just the additional 2 month wait until that day that Tyler was dreading.

It was gone 9 o clock in the evening and he was hungry, but didn't want to eat dinner without his husband because those 10 minutes together were often the only time they got to actually sit and talk to each other, but nevertheless he was hungry. The popcorn bowl was empty except a few unpopped kernels and he was seriously considering pausing the movie and making another bag, but his thoughts were interrupted by the conveniently timed entrance of Josh.

"Tyler!" He yelled out immediately and the front door was slammed shut, making him jump a little.  
"In here babe!" Tyler called back a little cautiously, and Josh stormed in, shoes still on and briefcase still in hand, and scowl deeply embedded into his forehead.

"You didn't take the trash out yesterday,"  
"Oh shoot, sorry."  
"What good does sorry do?! The trash cans are still full and all the garbage is gonna start fucking reeking and we've gotta wait a whole fucking week now till they come back!" Josh was angry, properly angry, and Tyler was shocked.  
"I said I'm sorry, it was an honest mistake Josh, I just forgot."  
"Great, fucking great, yet another thing I need to start taking fucking responsibility for." Josh tossed his briefcase on the other sofa and sighed, rubbing his face with one hand. Tyler took the blanket off his lap but didn't rush to comfort Josh, feeling instead rather hurt by his rudeness.

"I don't know what happened at the office today, but leave it there please, there's no need to take it out on me Josh."  
"This has got fuck all to do with the office Tyler! This has to do with the fact that I have to do everything around here! I'm sick of it, okay?! I'm sick of it!"  
"I've done nothing wrong-"  
"No! No, you're right, you've literally done nothing! All you do is lounge around watching fucking chick flicks all day, not a single fucking thing to help me around the house!"  
"I'm sor-"  
"DID I SOUND LIKE I WAS DONE?!" Josh screamed, and tears prickled in Tyler's eyes but didn't breach yet.

"I work 100 hours a week at the moment, every single FUCKING WEEK! I work 14 hours a day without a break, 14 HOURS! MORE THAN YOU WORK IN AN ENTIRE WEEK! And once, JUST ONCE! It would be nice to come home and not have to cook fucking dinner and do the fucking laundry and now take the fucking trash out! Come on Tyler! COME ON! WHEN ARE YOU GONNA GET OFF YOUR FUCKING ARSE AND DO SOMETHING?!" He vented whilst pacing, and it would be a lie to say that Tyler felt anything less than petrified.

"I, I, I, I-I,"  
"Spit it out."  
"I'm r-recovering, I, I'm t-try-trying to g-get be-tter," Tyler rushed to wipe the tears from his cheeks.  
"Yeh, seems like you've been pulling that card for half a decade now."

"I'm doing my best Josh," his fingers couldn't keep up with the streams but tried very hard to. Josh was the last person he had expected to hear scream he wasn't getting better quick enough, and he couldn't cope. "I'm s-sorry,"  
"You're always fucking sorry, and I'm always fucking working. Funny that." His voice was angrily twisted in a manner that struck Tyler deep in the chest.

With that, Josh stormed back out of the room and Tyler momentary let him walk off alone. He let out a withheld, painful, choking sob, then wiped his face with the bottom of his shirt and raced after his husband into the kitchen.

"Josh, b-babe, p-pl-lease,"  
"What?! What more do you want from me?!"  
"I, I-"  
"I have to start cooking dinner, Tyler," he spat the name.  
"N-no,"  
"No? NO? WHY NOT TYLER?! HAVE YOU COOKED ALREADY?! HAVE YOU?! IS DINNER READY?! IS IT HIDDEN SOMEWHERE?! LET'S FIND IT!!" Josh turned hysterical, starting to search for the meal that obviously hadn't been made, pushing everything off the work surfaces, smashing a plate and dropping pots and pans and cutlery, each clattering loudly and making Tyler jump and cry.

Still in a blind rage, the lawyer stalked over to the dining room and Tyler could only hide his face and weep in the corner of the kitchen as he heard Josh wipe the jigsaw onto the floor then throw what sounded like glasses at the wall, shattering instantly.

He tried to stay calm, take deep breaths, stay on top of his urge to panic and keep his head above water, but it was hard. The feelings of pure terror were familiar, but the lack of Josh's support, in fact, the heat of his aggression was unlike anything Tyler had had to go through before, and a panic attack felt inevitable.

Panic attacks didn't have to win, he could fight them, he had the skills and the training and the practice to overcome them, but at that moment he was too upset to even bother attempting to self soothe. Josh, Josh was angry at him for taking too long to heal. And deep down he knew that wasn't the case, he knew Josh was just stressed and overwhelmed and taking it out on him, but panic attacks didn't listen to rational reasoning. No, panic attacks made Tyler curl up into a little ball in the corner and sob.

 

 

  
Guilt was an understatement. Josh had been sat in the dining room for over an hour, closer to two, surrounded by shards of glass and puzzle pieces, listening to Tyler have a panic attack in the next room and then listening to the silence that followed. A scary silence. An eery silence. An unknown silence that would ordinarily urge Josh to go and check on his man, check everything was okay, that he was safe, but honestly he didn't want to.

Of course he wanted Tyler to be safe, he wanted that more than anything, but he couldn't deny his anger and he couldn't deny his exhaustion. The post-row break was the longest break he'd had in months.

Knowing he needed to sleep, Josh forced himself to stand up and carefully walk through the mess he'd caused and would no doubt have to clean up at some point, tip toeing out of the room then sighing as he made his way up the stairs. His legs felt like lead, his head pulsed loudly, and his heart was heavy.

The bedroom door was slightly ajar and Josh pushed it open slowly, finding Tyler sat timidly at the foot of the bed. He was fully dressed, including sneakers and a zipped jacket, and looked up with red swollen puffy eyes. Another pang of guilt struck deep in Josh.

"I'm not here for a round 2," Josh's voice was deep and husky, and Tyler took a moment before replying.  
"K,"  
"Did you manage to stay clean?"  
"Yeh," Tyler nodded, looking down at his nails and picking at them.

"I'm, uh," he sighed, rubbing his face whilst remaining in the door frame. "I'm gonna be honest Ty, I'm aware I'm completely in the wrong, and I want to apologise properly to you, but I'm not in the right place yet. I'm stressed, I had a bad day, any attempt at a heart to heart would be forced and you deserve better than that."  
"Right."  
"So I'm going to take a blanket out of the closet and go sleep on the couch."  
"U-um, uh, uh," Tyler stammered anxiously and Josh physically hurt in his chest. "Uh, y-you, you, you don't have to."  
"I do Ty, I can't expect you to share a bed with me after the way I've acted."  
"N-n-no, no, I'm uh, my, my Mom's gonna be here in, uh, in a minute?"

"You called your Mom." Josh realised and sighed again.  
"Yeah." He nodded, not meeting Josh's eyes. "I think it's probably best, for both of us, if, um, if,"  
"If we take a break?"  
"A break?" Tyler seemed to be taken by surprise. "No, no not at all, no. Unless that's what you want...?"  
"No, absolutely not." He didn't hesitate, terrified at how quickly the idea had arisen. "Absolutely not."

"I called my mom because I had a, uh, a panic attack, and, and she's gonna collect me and take me home with her, make sure I'm okay and everything."  
"Good."  
"Then, I'm not sure when you're gonna have time, but when you have time, I'll come back and we'll sort this out?"  
"Do, um, do you think you're gonna come back tomorrow?" Josh suddenly felt himself get a little choked up as he noticed Tyler's bag packed on the floor next to the chest of drawers.

"I mean, maybe, it depends I guess. Are you working? It's a Saturday."  
"I have to."  
"I might, um, I might stay with my mom then? You know, it's probably better for me not to be alone and everything."  
"Is this, is, is this gonna be a um, a long term, um," Josh tried to find the words but emotion skewed his thoughts. "Are you going to stay with your mom till my entire case is done?"  
"I don't know if I'm honest Josh."  
"2 months, I, I don't think I can do 2 months alone in that bed, without you."  
"No, no it wouldn't be 2 months, I can't go that long without you either." Tyler mumbled.

A weird silence fell over the room, Josh still hovering in the doorway and Tyler still picking at his fingers. It would be a lie to say that Josh thought things had been perfect between them recently, but he hadn't expected things to fall apart so quickly and so spectacularly. The shattered glass downstairs and the shattered trust between them both possessed the potential to tear Josh to shreds.

"I won't be able to go 2 months without seeing you Josh. And I don't mean because I'm at my mom's, I mean because you're never here. I can't go on like this." Tyler said and Josh knew he'd hinted that he wasn't feeling up to a heart to heart, but couldn't bare to leave Tyler so hurt. "You're obviously busy with work and there's nothing you can do about th-"  
"I could quit my job."  
"Josh." Tyler sounded horrified.  
"I'm serious Tyler. If you are saying to me that you can't cope with the current setup, then I'll change that setup. I've already complained to my boss because I don't get to see you anywhere near enough, and he said there's no room to wiggle. So if he won't wiggle, I'll quit. Because you come first."  
"You're being irrational. In fact, you're being stupid. I don't want you to quit your job for me Josh, you worked so hard and love it so much, and I won't let you throw it all away because of me."

Tyler spoke the truth, Josh did love his job. But he loved his job when it was part of a balance, not an all consuming vacuum that somehow even managed to put a strain on the couple that everyone branded perfect. No job was worth losing the love of his life over.

"What can I do then Tyler?"  
"Nothing. Just, just get through the case, I'll have to practice my patience, it will all be over soon."  
"And then what? Then I get put on a bigger case and a bigger case and a bigger case - this won't be that last one Tyler, this won't be anywhere close to the shortest one, this is gonna get more and more intense! If you want more time with me then I have to quit!" Josh couldn't help but raise his voice a little, not because he was angry at Ty but because he was angry at himself.

"Don't you dare quit Josh Dun-Joseph."  
"Why not?!"  
"BECAUSE I CAN'T HANDLE THE GUILT!" Tyler suddenly blurted out, then turned away again. "If you give up your dream for me, how, how am I supposed to feel? How am I supposed to deal with that?"  
"It's won't be for you Ty, it will be for us."  
"For us?" Tyler echoed sadly. "Are we, are, a-are-are you saying that if you keep your job, if we keep going like this, there's no us?"  
"There'll always be an us Ty." Josh wanted to go and sit down next to him, hug him, hold him, but he knew he shouldn't. Tyler had the moral high ground, and so he got to call the shots.

"All I'm saying is that I'm not quite sure that things are as good as they could be right now, obviously."  
"I agree. I'm just, I'm, I'm not sure how to fix things." Tyler's nervous hands stopped playing with his nails and instead turned to a loose thread on his sleeve.

"Take some time at your mom's, take as long as you need, think things through."  
"I will." He nodded. "Um, but, uh, but, just so you know, any outcome that doesn't end with us being together won't even be a possibility I'm going to consider."  
"Okay." Josh nodded too. "Thank you."

Again a quiet filled the room, and Josh could see tears in his husband's eyes and a heavy sigh escaped from his tense lips. Part of him wanted to say they were overreacting, it was only one fight, the dreaded 'd' word didn't need to be mentioned. But it was also their first serious fight in their entire relationship, and Josh was scared that it was a sign of changing times. Maybe it was the first of many that would eventually lead to a messy and painful divorce.

"I'm, I'm gonna go downstairs, give you some space."  
"You don't want the bed? I can wait downstairs?"  
"No, I'll take the couch still." Josh gulped, then hesitantly took a few steps into the room and took a soft navy blanket out of the cupboard, then retreated back to the comfortable distance of the door.

"When your mom arrives, pop your head in? Let me know you're going?"  
"Ok." Tyler nodded shakily.  
"And make sure you get something to eat."  
"I will."  
"Right, well, night?"  
"Night." Tyler sighed and Josh left, blanket in hand and heart in mouth.

 

 

"Morning sugar," Mom whispered softly as she came into his room in the morning, and Tyler groaned a little and rubbed his eye in an attempt to make it seem like he hadn't just been staring at the ceiling and periodically crying for the last 4 hours.

"How did you sleep?" She sat down on the end of his bed as he shuffled into a semi-sitting position, propped up by a mound of pillows.  
"Good thanks."  
"How did you really sleep?"  
"Not great."  
"I didn't think so - did you manage to stay safe though?"  
"Yeh." Tyler nodded then pushed Josh's hoodie's sleeves past his elbows and held up his wrists to show no new wounds, only deep permanent scars. Of course there were numerous other places he could easily have concealed something, but there was no point lying to her and no point relapsing and throwing away the clean streak he had worked so hard to build up. It wasn't worth it, no matter how much his head was screaming the opposite.

"He called earlier."  
"Josh did?"  
"Yeah, called the house landline, Dad answered."  
"What did he say?" Tyler tried not to sound too desperate, tried to come across as though he wasn't silently praying that Josh was on the other side of the door, waiting to come in and surprise him with a profuse apology and a vow to fix things.  
"Just wanted to make sure you were being looked after, asked whether you'd got to sleep okay, if you remembered to pack your meds. Said to say good morning from him when you woke up."  
"Anything else?"  
"No, just that baby. He was on the train, in a bit of a rush,"  
"I know the story." Tyler sighed.

"Things have been tough recently, haven't they?"  
"No no, I'm fine."  
"You're an awful liar Tyler."  
"He's just been so busy all the time."  
"And you've been alone a lot?"  
"Uh huh." He nodded. "But it's not Josh's fault-"  
"And it's not yours either."  
"No, it's not." Tyler sighed.

"Do you wanna talk about it? About what happened last night?"  
"It was dumb, he was in the right."  
"He gave you a panic attack baby,"  
"He didn't give it to me, he didn't cause it, he, he, he just wasn't very thoughtful about how I might cope with things."  
"Things? What things baby?"  
"Some things were said last night, and there were some escalations that lead to me getting a bit jumpy and one thing lead to another."  
"Sweetheart, if you don't want to talk about it then we don't have to, but I can't deal in vague hints."  
"I, I do, I do wanna talk, I'm only, um, I'm, I-I'm scared I'll get upset." Tyler admitted.  
"Tyler, remember what Dr Wakefield is always trying to remind you, you're stable enough and strong enough to feel upset without it triggering an episode. It's okay to feel upset, you can do it."

"He just, Josh, he, he was really mad Mom." Tyler said sadly, crossing his legs and sitting up a little more.  
"Okay, why was he mad?"  
"Because he had to make dinner."  
"No, that's what he was mad about, why was he mad in the first place?"  
"Because he'd had a long and difficult day at work, a long few weeks really, and he was stressed."  
"So is that a reason you should feel guilty for? Is that because of you?"  
"No, Mom, but, but, eugh, he was right, you know? He does work harder than me, I should contribute more, he shouldn't have to come home and cook for me after I've spent the last however many hours relaxing."  
"Tyler there's a difference between resting and healing versus simply being lazy. You need to give yourself that time every single day without fail in order to keep doing as well as you're doing. And as for contributing more? I think there probably are a few jobs we could find for you so you can take the pressure off Josh and know that you're helping him, but I don't want you in the kitchen surrounded by sharps and heat, and I don't want you cleaning with all those potential OCD obsessions. I'd rather come round and cook and clean for you boys than have you do it Tyler."

"That's the thing though Mom! I, I want to be able to do that, I want to be able to help, I want to use my free time for things that actually benefit us both, but I'm confined to resting."  
"You don't think it benefits you both to have you healthy?"  
"I mean, I guess."  
"There's no need to guess, I'm telling you right now, by looking after yourself, you're making all of Josh's work stress worth it. At the end of the day, he gets a happy healthy Tyler, and that's his motivation."

"Didn't feel like that yesterday." Tyler played with his nails. They'd all been peeled short again in the last 24 hours, short and bloody and raw, and very painful.  
"So he came home, and snapped because dinner wasn't ready?"  
"I forgot to take the trash out, and he rightly flipped, which turned into a screaming fit about how he does everything around the house and I never help, and then he started hunting for the dinner which involved smashing and throwing some stuff."  
"Did he throw anything at you Tyler?"  
"No."  
"Okay, okay good." Mom sighed and picked up his hand for herself.

"What do I do Mom?"  
"You don't immediately do exactly as he says."  
"Why not?"  
"Few reasons baby. Firstly, we don't reinforce the idea that screaming gets us what we want. Secondly, like I said, I don't think you're well enough to know when to stop cleaning, and I don't think it's worth the risks of trying to learn how to cook when there are so many temptations and potential ways to hurt yourself. And then perhaps most importantly, you need to get his rational opinion. If he was stressed and had a rough day, everything's magnified, everything seems worse and more extreme than how he actually feels."  
"Or, or, o-or he, he, because he was mad, he let his guard down, he stopped sheltering me so much and he spoke the truth, said what he was really thinking all along, he, he,"  
"Tyler. Enough." Mom put an instant stop to his panicked murmuring.

"I'm scared Mom."  
"Of him?"  
"Of him leaving me," he whispered, then squeezed his quickly tearing eyes closed and begged them not to stream down his cheeks, but failed.

"Darling, he's not going to leave you,"  
"He might! He, he, what if he snapped last night? What if he's decided he's had enough, he's done, he doesn't want to do it anymore, he doesn't want me anymore."  
"Come here," she sighed, and he scooted round so she could cuddle him against her chest, stroking him soothingly but not preventing the steady flow of tears.

"After everything you've been through, after all the ups and downs, you really think that the way this ends is with a trash can dispute? Tyler, baby, you two haven't fought as hard as you both have done, just to give it all up because of this."  
"But, b-but that's the thing, we, we, we've fought together, we both fight to have this relationship, we fight together, and now, and now we're fighting each other." He cried.  
"One time, you've fought each other one tim-"  
"And who's to say we won't again! Who's to say that this hasn't opened the floodgate and now he's finally gonna let out all the hatred he's been holding back all these years?"  
"Hatred? Tyler, he loves you."  
"He doesn't."  
"Yes he does."  
"No he doesn't! He hates me."  
"You're being hysterical now, hysterical and silly. He is your husband. He is your best friend. He is infatuated with you."  
"He hates me." Tyler wept against her chest.

"Does somebody who hates you, call your Dad in the middle of an argument to make sure you slept okay?" She asked softly, and Tyler cried because Josh was so thoughtful and so kind and so generous and he'd lost him forever.

"He loves you. Look, Ty, look at that picture." She pointed to the frame on the wall next to her, displaying one of many photos of the couple on their wedding day. "Look at the way he's holding you, the way he's looking at you. Don't tell me that he's anything other than obsessed with you."

 

 

 

"Wow, you look like shit." Andrew murmured in Josh's ear as everyone filed out of the conference room for their 15 minute lunch break after the first 6 hours of the day's work.

"Cheers man," they walked over to their desks on the other side of the floor.  
"You look like you've been hit by a truck."  
"Feel like it too. Didn't sleep a wink."  
"You didn't sleep? Dude I'm not exaggerating when I say that there's not a single spare minute I have that I'm not using for sleep. Like, I'm considering having a nap in the 14 remaining minutes we have before we go back in there."

"Usually I'm the same, but, I dunno, there was this thing with Tyler." Josh sighed as he flopped down on his chair. They were still practically nobodies in firm and so their desks touched and their chairs squeaked.  
"Tyler? Did he get sick? Is he okay?"  
"He's okay, he did really well actually, really really well, I just, I screamed at him Andrew, I screamed and broke a bunch of shit and, eugh, I fucked up."  
"Shit man," Andrew sighed too.

"He left, went to his mother's house,"  
"Oh fuck, it was serious then?"  
"Yes it was serious." Josh groaned and buried his face in his hands, slumping onto his mess of a desk. He was exhausted but there was no time to rest, he was starving but there was no time to buy lunch and no time to prepare anything in the morning, but most importantly he was scared, so scared, that Tyler was never going to forgive him.

"Well when Tanya and I have a tiff over work related stress, it was work related stress right?"  
"Right."  
"So yeah, what I always end up doing is picking up some flowers from the gas station on the way home and promising her it will never happen again. Works every time."  
"Every?" He echoed back.  
"Well, 95% of the time, sometimes I have to do the dishes too."  
"But, but, like, I thought you guys were good? Aren't you gonna propose? I didn't realise you've been fighting."  
"Eh." Andrew shrugged but Josh was concerned. "We fight, that happens, it's only normal. Doesn't mean we're not happy."

"But you fight, like, regularly?"  
"What counts as regularly?"  
"I dunno, more than, maybe, once a month?" Josh asked and was met with a laugh.  
"Hahaha please, we're lucky if we get through more than a week without tearing into each other."  
"I'm so sorry, I didn't realise."  
"Realise what?"  
"That things were going so badly."  
"Josh, things aren't going badly, they're great in fact. She knows it's just this stupid ass case that's got me more on edge than normal. But even in a quiet patch at work, we still fight from time to time. It's healthy."

"I think last night was my first fight wth Ty."  
"What, ever?"  
"Yeah I think so." Josh nodded.  
"Wait, seriously?"  
"Yeah."  
"Dude that's, that's not normal. You guys have been together forever, been through so much shit together, and you're saying that this is the first argument you've ever had?"  
"I'd hardly call it an argument, I pretty much just yelled at him till he cried, but yeah. That's the first time."  
"Wow."

"See that's why I'm so scared! We're, we're, we're just not a couple who fight, so now what? How much damage have I done? What kind of impact is this gonna have on us? Is there even gonna be an us anymore or is this just the beginning of the end?"  
"Josh," Andrew sighed. "You two, you're cute and everything, but you're not god tier."  
"No no, I know."  
"You're not immune from clashes, they're inevitable for everyone, even the dream team."  
"Hmm." Josh wasn't convinced.  
"And you know what? I reckon it's a good thing Josh. I dunno the details of your relationship and your husband's health, but it's got to be a sign of his progress that you're not confined to walking on egg shells around him. Like, you're finally able to express your true feelings, that progress shouldn't ever be something to get upset over."

"Just because I don't have to walk on egg shells, doesn't mean I shouldn't. You know, he, he's still delicate."  
"But how's he supposed to get stronger if he's never tested?"  
"I don't want to test him, he's my husband, he's the love of my life, he's not a science project."  
"But he's also not a baby that you have to shelter. If you can't be honest with him about how you're feeling, who can you be honest with?"  
"I am honest with him, I just, I, I don't like to be raw with him."  
"You like to take your feelings, squidge them into a little ball, extract all the emotion out of them and package them up nice and neatly so you can pass them along to him as more of an 'FYI I felt this way but now I'm fine' rather than a 'I need your support because I'm feeling'. You did the exact same thing with me in college. You love to act as though you're an open book, when in reality you've already written the chapters and edited out all the stuff you don't think the reader should have to cope with."

"You sound just like one of Ty's therapists." Josh admitted, yawning then sighing.  
"I'm just saying, is it nice to fight? Course not. Is it important to get things off our chests? Yes definitely. And I'm not sure what you said last night, but most likely it was some truth that you've been holding onto for a while, and finally it's been allowed to see the light of day. It's shit to fight, but now that it's out there, you get to properly deal with it and therefore overcome it."  
"What if we can't deal with it though? What if there's no solution?"  
"There will be." Andrew said without a shadow of doubt.

"I don't want to lose him."  
"You won't."  
"I might."  
"You won't. He has had to defy homophobia, time apart, grief, a psychotic breakdown - Hell, he's had to defy his own mind, he's not going to leave you now Josh." He was clear with each word, then stood up. "Lunch break's over already, come on sexy, back to work we go."

 

 

  
The sun had long since set by the time Josh was finally released from the office on Saturday evening, leaving the premises at just gone 8 and jogging straight to the station, hoping to make the 8.34 train. If he missed it then it would only be a half hour before the next one came along, but that would be another half an hour that he wouldn't get to spend with Ty. Of course, that all depended on whether he would get to spend any time with him at all.

A small part of him hoped that Tyler would be waiting for him, cuddled up on his side of the couch with his blanket tucked under his chin just how he liked it and a small sympathetic smile creeping onto his lips, telling Josh that it was okay, it was all going to be okay. It was only a small part, the rest of him was fully aware that it might be days till he next heard from his husband.

Tyler was doing okay recently, not spectacularly, but managing to do a pretty good job of treading water. However Josh knew that his recent addition of an extra morning of teaching at the school was taking its toll and Tyler had been feeling wobbly recently, let alone adding in the fact that Josh barely had time to breathe, forget attending any of his husband's appointments or holding his hand through the rougher times. And a guilt weighed heavy on Josh's shoulders for that.

Sometimes he had to remind himself that Tyler wasn't him, Tyler was Tyler. They had different capabilities. And that meant they weren't directly comparable, it wasn't fair to whip up an imaginary legal pad and list the chores that each of them completed, because simply getting through each day was often challenging enough for Tyler and it wasn't because he was weak or lazy, it was because he had to fight harder than Josh would ever truly understand. It wasn't fair to hold that against him, in fact, it was cruel.

Even from the moment the words had only just left Josh's mouth, he knew he was in the wrong. And it wasn't even as though they'd been simmering away, begging to be voiced - they had come out of nowhere. It was like a lengthy torture, knowing that a brief second of losing control of his temper, of his words, might have lost him his Tyler. He sighed for perhaps the hundredth time that day.

The platform was usually empty, so Josh was a little surprised when he finally made it up the 4 flights of stairs and saw a silhouette stood dangerously close to the edge of the tracks, yellow warning line far behind the heels of the figure. Ever so slightly alarmed, Josh walked closer and then started running when he recognised the outline of the jacket in the dark.

"Baby? Baby please, step back for me." He gave Tyler a few metres of personal space, heart pounding.  
"Hey," Tyler looked up and made eye contact, and Josh let out a breath of relief.  
"Jesus Tyler, don't scare me like that." Josh dropped his briefcase and crossed his hands on top of his head and paced in a little circle for a minute to calm down as Tyler moved to a safer distance, realising what his position must have looked like.

"Sorry, I just, I saw, well, I saw something sparkling on the track, wanted to work out what it was. Only a candy bar wrapper, sorry. Sorry."  
"Ok," he processed, still trying to gulp away the sheer terror of being reminded how fragile Tyler could be and how easy it was for him to presume anything other than innocent intentions.

"What are you doing here Ty? Shouldn't you be at home? With your mom?"  
"Firstly, home is with you. Secondly, Mom doesn't know I'm here." Tyler's hands found each other and started anxiously fiddling with his fingers, rocking on his heels a little.  
"Ty, she needs to know you're safe."  
"She knows I am, she, she just thinks I'm safe at our place, rather than here specifically."  
"And why are you here? Not, not that I'm not happy to see you, of course."  
"Well, uh, well, we, um, me and Mom, Mom and I, we went to the house to clear up. We cleared up all the mess, then cleaned too, properly cleaned, and put a load of laundry on and got the groceries and unpacked them all, we even did a bit of gardening, and then we were done. She offered to stay with me till you came home, but I thought it might be awkward, so she left. But then I had some time to kill, and, I dunno, I just, you spend three quarters an hour on the train, why not spend those three quarters of an hour together? That way you can get a relatively early night as soon as we get in and not need to worry about sorting out things with me."

"Tyler, you always take first priority, I'll never choose sleep over you."  
"Maybe you should though Josh, you, you're exhausted."  
"That doesn't matter. You matter."  
"I don't matter anymore than you do." Tyler whispered and Josh could barely hear him over the howling wind ripping through the platform.

"I'm sorry Tyler. I'm sorry I shouted at you, I'm sorry I smashed all those things, I'm sorry I said you weren't recovering quick enough,"  
"Yeh, you, uh, you shouldn't have said that, it's not true, I am getting better, I am, but I'm aiming for sustainable progress and that takes time."  
"I know bubba, I know, and you're doing an amazing job." Josh wanted to reach out and stroke Tyler's softly clenched jaw, but knew he had to let Tyler do the forgiving.

"I, um, I, I,"  
"Yeah?" He encouraged him.  
"You know, you call yourself a lawyer, yet I was the one who thought to dig out your employee contract, I was the one who read the section where you signed to agree to 50 hours a week. 50 Josh, you're doing 100, that's a breach of contract. You're a lawyer, do something!" Tyler sounded ever so slightly on the hysterical side, which took Josh by surprise as he had been so calm up until then. But he reminded himself that Tyler had been alone for weeks and probably was desperate for his company, just as he was desperate for Ty's.

"I also agreed to work overtime babe, they're paying me double my normal rates, it's not a breach of contract."  
"They're forcing you! They can't force you, it has to be your choice."  
"It is my choice." Josh explained, and Tyler froze for a moment, a look of unease first possessing his gaze before being overruled by anger.

"What?!"  
"They can't technical force me to work overtime-"  
"You mean you've been choosing to do this?! You've chosen to do this?! To leave me alone every single day?! To work yourself to the bone?! Then you take it out on me! What the actual fuck Josh??" He swore for the first time in months, and that time it was Josh who was shocked.  
"I mean, I,"  
"What!" Tyler demanded an explanation.  
"It's not as simple as that babe,"  
"So what? So I'm too stupid to understand? I'm just a music teacher, I'll never be able to wrap my tiny little brain around why you've been hiding from me at the office??"  
"Tyler, I'm not hiding,"  
"THEN WHY JOSH?! WHY?!" He screamed as his nose crinkled up and he began to cry. Josh instinctively reached out to hold him, but Tyler flinched away.

"They can't force me to work, but there's a hierarchy in all law firms, and the only way you ever get any respect and stand any chance of getting a hint at a decent case, let alone a promotion, is by proving you're willing to graft. I could theoretically refuse to work for this client, but I will never be able to recover from it. I'll spend the rest of my career handling pathetic playground disputes. Tyler, I don't contractually have to work, but I have to work. I have to."

Josh put his hand on the back of his neck and massaged it, a nervous tick, a stress triggered tick, and watched as Tyler turned away and mopped up his face. He hated what was happening between them and he hated that he was the cause, and he hated that he couldn't come up with a solution.

"I love you Tyler."  
"I love you,"  
"I want to fix this,"  
"Me too," he wiped his streaming eyes with his sleeve. "I'm just, I, I'm so mad at you Josh."  
"You have every right to be."  
"But I want it to go away, the anger, I want it to stop, I want it all to just stop." Tyler whispered, and Josh wished he hadn't said that whilst they were stood so close to a train track. Too many bad memories.

"I don't know what to do Tyler. What do we do?" Josh sighed, hand still clamped around the base of his skull.  
"I'm not sure." Tears made his voice shake. "Everyone says just talk about it, but every time we talk, we fight."  
"I suppose we haven't actually talked about what I was mad about, maybe, maybe we should try that?"  
"Yeh, okay," he sniffed.  
"Look, the board says the train's delayed, you're upset and worrying me a little, could we talk away from the platform? Can we sit over there?" Josh gestured to the sheltered bench at the other end, and Tyler looked up and nodded. They both walked over together, Josh carrying his briefcase in one hand and having to resist holding out the other for Tyler. Instead they walked side by side a little awkwardly, then opened the clear plastic door and escaped the wind, sitting with a considerable gap between them.

"The trash, right? That's why you snapped. The trash."  
"Yeah, I got home from the station and saw it was still full in the yard, and after a long day it was just too much for me, straw that broke the camel's back and everything."  
"I, um, I lied."  
"You lied? About what?"  
"About forgetting. I remembered."  
"Right." Josh was confused.  
"I knew I had to do it, but I started getting really intrusive thoughts. I was stood next to the trash and I was trying to will myself to touch it, but all these thoughts of germs, and being dirty, they just, they took over,"  
"Oh."  
"I knew it was OCD, I tried to force myself as an exposure task but that lead to a panic attack, and then I tried again later whilst wearing two pairs of gloves and oven mittens on top, but still, too hard. Couldn't cope." Tyler was staring at the floor rather than making eye contact, and it broke Josh's heart.

"I'm sorry Josh." He finally looked up, eyes swollen with tears.  
"Sweetheart no, you don't have to apologise for being unwell."  
"I can't cook, I can't clean, and now I can't even take out the garbage. I can't do anything."  
"Hey that's not true. How about a hug, can you manage that do you think?" Josh asked, expecting an instant yes but instead having to wait a few seconds as Tyler battled himself for the right to control his actions, then slid across the bench and into his arms.

Josh must have missed the signs. But he supposed that being away from him for every waking hour would make it difficult to notice a mental health relapse.

"How bad are things Ty?"  
"I'm hand washing again."  
"Obsessively showering too?"  
"Only 4 times a day, so kinda I guess?"  
"That's a yes babe, remember what we agreed was the upper limit of healthy?"  
"Twice."  
"Yeah, so you're going over the top Ty." Josh held him close as he silently cried. "Is it the extra morning at school that's triggering you?"  
"I had to start working an extra day, I, I used to have 5 days off, now I have 4, 4 is safer."  
"Right, okay." His lips found their way to Tyler's crown, and he pecked lovingly.

"Meds?"  
"I've been taking them all when I'm supposed to and how I'm supposed to,"  
"Good, therapy?"  
"I've been going to all my sessions."  
"Good, well done."  
"So what can I do Josh? What more can I do? I'm doing everything I'm meant to and yet I'm getting sick again, are, a-are they going to put me in hospital?"  
"I won't lie and make promises that you'll never ever get readmitted, but I don't think you need to go in just yet babe, and maybe you won't period. We can work on this, me and you."

"I wanted to tell you, I wanted to ask for help, but, but,"  
"But I've been so busy." Josh knew the reason and sighed. "I know babe, I know,"  
"I'm sorry, so so sorry,"  
"I'm the one who's sorry Ty, it's not fair that my career is impacting us, impacting you, like this. You shouldn't have to deal with the consequences of my actions."  
"We're married, we, um, we, we, what impacts one of us, impacts both of us."  
"Yeah you're right, and I'm sorry it took this long for me to see this particular development, this deterioration. I should have been here for you."

"I hear the voice almost all the time Josh." Tyler seemed scared.  
"Is it talking now?"  
"Yeh,"  
"What's it saying?"  
"That you need to stop touching me, that I'm dirty, that I'm dangerous, that I'm contaminating you and you need to let go."  
"Do you want me to let go?"  
"No." Tyler didn't hesitate, and Josh squeezed him closer.

"Can you pass on a message from me? To the voice."  
"O-ok?"  
"Can you tell it to fuck off?" Josh's tone remained polite, and Tyler let out a small tearful laugh. "It's not welcome here, and it's messed with the wrong dude by coming for you, because this particular dude happens to kick butt every single day and has a protective husband who loves to kick butt too. Tell it it doesn't stand a chance against us, together we're an unstoppable force that is determined to bring it down, and won't stop till the job is done."  
"Y-yeh,"

"Tomorrow, you and me, we'll call up Ryan from Campbell-"  
"I don't want to go inpatient again."  
"I don't want you to either Ty, but we're gonna call him up, tell him what's been going on, schedule a meeting and try to figure this out together."  
"Please, do we have to get Campbell involved?"  
"You're already a registered patient with them Ty, they're already involved. We're meant to be going there for your biannual checkup in a few weeks anyway. Just think of it as a checkup where we're honest that things are not going as great as we'd hope."  
"I can't go back in Josh, I can't," Tyler cried and Josh kissed the top of his mean bully head.

"They have outpatient services, we'll start with that and see how things go?"  
"The program's so hard, I, I can't do it Josh, I can't, not without you."  
"Hey hey hey, who said anything about doing it without me? I'll be there Tyler, every step of the way."  
"But, but what about work?"  
"Exactly, what about it?" Josh shrugged. "If you think there's any competition between paperwork and helping the love of my life confront his demons, then I must be doing something wrong. You come first."  
"But, you, y-you, everything you said, about how, h-how it'll ruin everything if you don't do overtime to prove yourself."

Just as Josh was about to reply, the train came storming into the station and screeched to a halt.

"Do you want to get on that one? There's another one in 25 minutes if you'd prefer to sit here and talk a bit longer."  
"Is, i-is it busy?"  
"No no, quiet service, want to try it? If it's too much then there's another stop in about 4 minutes and we can get off there and have a break until the next train comes along."  
"Let's, um, let's get on." Tyler gulped bravely and wiped his streaming tears, not that it made any impact as they were immediately replaced with fresh ones, then they walked hand in hand out of the shelter and over to the nearest door. Josh pressed the open button then they both climbed up the step and Tyler let his husband lead them over to a two-seater in an empty carriage par one man with headphones on. Tyler took the window seat and Josh the aisle, and immediately Tyler nestled back against his chest with Josh's arm around his back.

"Work isn't my whole world. You are." Josh began again. "Work is trying to take over right now, and I've stupidly allowed it to, but that stops today. Tomorrow is a Sunday, and Sunday's are days of rest. I'm not gonna go in, I'm not going to answer the phone, and I'm not going to make up any excuse for my boss. I don't need an excuse to want to be with my husband."  
"You'll get in trouble Josh,"  
"I don't care. The worst they can do is fire me, in which case I still win because I'll be with you."  
"They, they won't though, they'll put you on the crappy jobs Josh, and, and you'll hate it, you'll be so unfulfilled, you'll hate it."  
"If they put me on dumb cases, I won't have to work as hard for them so I'll get more time with you. If I'm unfulfilled, I'll quit and work as a bagging boy, and I'll get more time with you. Whatever happens, whatever the fallout, I'm gonna have more time with you Tyler."

"I'm so lonely." Tyler whispered a moment later.  
"I know baby, I'm so sorry."  
"I miss you."  
"I miss you too, all the time." Josh sighed honestly, stroking his husband's cheek with his spare hand. "And I know how hard being alone is for you."  
"That's, th-that's not the only reason I'm slipping, it's, it's not your fault,"  
"But being alone is a big factor Ty. How, and this is only a suggestion, how would you feel about moving back in with your parents?"  
"My parents?"  
"Yeah, at least just for a few weeks whilst work is hectic. I'm not gonna pull another 100 hour week, but 50 hours is still longer than I feel is safe to leave you for, considering the washing situation already. If we moved back in with your folks, that way they could watch over you during the day,"  
"And help you out with the housework situation?" Tyler clearly didn't want to be the only reason they moved, but Josh was okay with that.

"Exactly, it would really help me if we had some more support."  
"So you, you want to move?"  
"Yes please Ty."  
"Right." He sighed, the wiped his nose on the back of his sleeve. "If we stay with my parents, do you promise not to make me go inpatient?"  
"No."  
"No?"  
"No, I'm never going to make a promise to not admit you Ty. I want what's best for you, and sometimes that's hospital. Not right now, but sometimes." Josh didn't want to lie, and even though Tyler was crying, he knew he had made the right choice. It was better to be brutally honest than deceitful.

"You can turn this around babe, I know you can, this doesn't have to end in hospitalisation."  
"And, a-and being with my mom, that's gonna help, right? It's, um, it'll be less likely that I'll need a Campbell admission?"  
"Yeah," he kissed Tyler's head again. "Right now you're trying to fight this alone, but by this time tomorrow we could be a whole team, me, you, your mom, your dad, all working together."  
"4 of us, huh," Tyler seemed pleased with the coincidence of a safe number. Josh felt a sinking sensation.

"Josh." He sat up a little so they could hold eye contact.  
"Yes love?"  
"Is this always going to happen?"  
"Is what always going to happen babe?"  
"This cycle. I get sick, I have to do an inpatient stint, I get discharged and you stay home with me for a while, then we both get more confident and start working again, then I slip again and it all starts from the beginning."  
"Sweetheart, of course not. We caught this relapse early, all it's gonna take is a few sessions to set you on the right course again. You're getting braver, and you're getting wiser. You know when you're doing compulsions, you can notice when things aren't quite right, you're making so much progress even whilst relapsing."

"Whenever we're not together, I fall apart."  
"Give yourself some credit Ty, you do a great job of-"  
"I don't!"  
"Yes you do."  
"I need you."  
"I need you too,"  
"You don't understand,"  
"I understand that you're underestimating yourself Tyler."

"I'm never going to get better."  
"Yes you will handsome." Josh's heart hurt, watching Tyler's wearied hope reduce him to shaky tears.  
"The voices are never going to go away, are they? Not permanently. They'll, they'll always be a part of me."  
"A part Tyler, a tiny tiny part of what makes you who you are, not your entire identity. You're more than just them."  
"They control everything! They ruin everything!"  
"That's not true baby,"  
"They almost ruined us! We almost got divorced!"  
"Tyler, Tyler, Ty stop," he hummed to calm down his hysterical husband. "We did not almost get divorced, we had a fight, I got mad and I yelled at you, but we did not almost get divorced."  
"You hate me."  
"I love you Ty, I love you so freaking much, and there's no conceivable way that will ever change. No matter how many trash cans you can't take out or times you go into hospital or number of voices you hear, I will always love you Tyler. I screamed yesterday because I didn't understand and I was stressed, but now I get it, now I remember where my priorities lie and it's right by your side."

"I love you so much," Tyler squeaked, curling closer against Josh.  
"I know you do, I know."  
"I, I, I'm scared that you care for me t-too mu-much,"  
"Sweetheart you can never care about someone too much."  
"N-not about me, for me." He clarified tearfully. "You, you cook me meals and give me meds and help me wash and put me to bed. Josh, sometimes you have to dress me! I, I, I, I rely on you for everything, and, a-and without you I couldn't do anything."  
"Babe," Josh sighed, wiping a row of tears off his husband's jaw.  
"B-bu-ut I need you to kn-know that I d-don't love you just because you look after me, I, I love you because you're kind and you're br-brave and thoughtf-ful a-and funny and clever and beautiful and amazing," Tyler cried as he peered up at Josh. "And I'm s-sorry you're stuck with me for a husband."

"Stuck is the wrong word." Josh replied a moment later, moving ever so slightly to relieve his dead arm and to further support Tyler, holding him closer and more comfortably. "A better choice is blessed, or honoured. Being your husband is not a chore Ty,"  
"You're working all the time - at the office and with me,"  
"You think I'd have it any other way? Babe, that's just the way I am, I like to work hard, I like to invest in things and see that investment pay off, I like to watch my efforts lead to something positive. I like knowing that what I do for you is helping in some way, or at the very least preventing things from getting worse as quickly as they could. It's not something draining for me, it's, it, it gives me purpose?" He thought aloud and Tyler listened eagerly with thick wet eyelashes clinging to one another.

"But that's not why I'm in a relationship with you babe. Just like you're not with me because I watch out for you, I'm not with you because you give me the chance to work. I'm with you because I'm in love with you. Over a decade after we fell in love, I'm still in love. I still feel giddy when you look at me, and I still feel like I'm blushing when you speak to me, and my skin still tingles with excited sparks when you touch me. I am utterly in love with you Mr Dun-Joseph, and I don't give a toss about how many chores you can handle, all I care about is your happiness, so let's focus on that for now."

"What about you?" Tyler's voice was small and timid.  
"Me?"  
"Your happiness."  
"Sweetheart, my happiness comes from seeing you get better and live the life I know you're capable of."  
"What if I can't though Josh? What if I don't improve."  
"You will."  
"It's too much pressure!" He started sobbing again.

Josh didn't rush to speak over his tears, knowing that Tyler was getting sucked into a self destructive downwards spiral and anything Josh could say would be met with negativity. It wasn't Tyler fault in any way shape or form, in fact Josh's chest ached as he imagined the stripping filter that his husband's depression put every single one of his thoughts through. Instead he opted for the actions speaking louder than words method and twisted to hug Tyler even tighter, slotting his head on top of his partner's and holding him gently but firmly.

"One day at a time my love, one day at a time." He whispered and Tyler had to try and combat his tears to hear him. "There's countless sayings about pacing for a reason; Rome wasn't built in a day, a journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step, slow and steady wins the race. Tyler, nobody's expecting you to wake up tomorrow a cured man, in fact there's no time pressure on you at all. I know yesterday I was completely out of line when I mentioned how long you've been in recovery, I am so sorry Tyler, I shouldn't have said that and I didn't mean anything by it. I'm sorry."

"I'm always going to be one or the other," Tyler sniffed.  
"What do you mean babe?"  
"I'm always going to be either relapsing or recovering, I'm never going to be just Tyler."  
"Relapsing and recovering are just labels for what's going on in your brain, it doesn't define you." Josh murmured against his soft hair. "Everyone's got something going on up there, well, questionable for Zack, but,"

The small brief laugh that broke through Tyler's sobs made Josh smile, and he kissed his husband's head briefly.

"Recovery isn't a straight line, yeah? We both know that, and I think right now your squiggly line is sloping downwards a little, but that's okay, it just means we're getting ready for an upwards turn next. And maybe that turn is going to happen all by itself, but most likely it will need a bit of encouragement and I'm gonna help with that and Ryan and the rest of the Campbell team are gonna help with that, and your parents too. We'll get you back on track."

"Do you not get tired of rescuing me?"  
"Being your knight in shining armour? Never." Josh replied honestly.  
"Does that make me your damsel in distress?"  
"No, Tyler, no, mental illness doesn't make you some weak incapable melodramatic fairytale character, it's made you the bravest fighter of all, battling alongside me to slay the dragon."  
"This dragon just won't die though Josh,"  
"We'll just have to tame it then," he sighed and massaged a small sequence of circles into Tyler's back.

"Doesn't the task ever seem to you, just, just, too big?"  
"Daunting? Yes. Impossible? No." Josh answered honestly. "But Tyler, it's my honest belief that you've done the hardest bit, okay babe? Those horrid years, the times without medication and without therapy and without support and diagnoses, those months without hope during your Cygnet admission, they're behind you love, you beat them, yeah?"  
"Yeah,"  
"However that in no way belittles the task we still have ahead of us sweetheart, I know it's scary, I know these voices are scary-"  
"And cruel."  
"Yep, absolutely, very cruel." The older nodded and squeezed his husband supportively.

"Josh," Tyler said a moment later whilst the train slowed down as they approached a stop.  
"Yes babe?"  
"You do believe me, don't you?"  
"Absolutely without hesitation."  
"I know it's very convenient timing, you know, me relapsing with OCD thoughts and therefore needing more of your time. I don't want you to think I'm faking just so you spend less time at the office."  
"Ty that thought hadn't even crossed my mind. I trust you."  
"I don't get why though,"  
"Why I trust you?" Josh asked and Tyler nodded a little. "Because I love you Tyler,"

"You've devoted so much of your time though, so much of your life, years in fact, to helping me with conditions that you don't even have any proof exist. There's no evidence, it's literally just me saying I hear and see things, and you believing me."  
"I think there's evidence in your behaviour, but babe, just because I can't physically see it the same way I might see an amputation for example, doesn't mean it's any less serious." He murmured softly, slightly concerned by Tyler's line of conversation. "Mental illness is real."

"I just, I, you know what I'm like, I do destructive things when I have too much time on my hands, and I've been googling all these things about how mental illness is just copycat behaviour."  
"How do you mean?" Josh frowned a little.  
"It's not like it's an actual thing, there's not really a virus or whatever in my brain that tells me to do things, it's just behaviours I've picked up. Like you could do a really good impression, a believable impression, of someone with OCD if you wanted to attention seek Josh, you've learned it from me, you know the rituals and what have you, so you could easily convince someone you've got OCD. Who's to say that I haven't just falsely convinced you I've got it?"  
"Sweetheart you've been doing rituals since before you started kindergarten, who would you have learned it from?"  
"I dunno," Tyler sighed, and Josh nestled closer to him.

"You know the conditions you have are real, don't you?"  
"Yeh,"  
"Good, and I know that too, so who cares what Steve92730 on some Reddit forum from 2006 thinks?" Josh shrugged and Tyler just sniffed. "Of course there's a correlation between you finding things harder and me spending more time at the office, but it's not you faking anything, it's me not providing support. That's the link, that's the reason, there's no need to try and dig any deeper."

"Does that mean every time you get a case, I'm gonna get sick again?" Tyler croaked nervously.  
"No because I won't do that to you, it's not fair. We've spotted the pattern now and we can figure out a solution."  
"I don't want you to have to leave your job for me though Josh."  
"I don't want you to have to go into hospital just so I can argue in a courtroom. As much as I enjoy bickering over contractual rights, and as rewarding as it is to win a case and get a bonus, none of it compares to the joy I get from being your husband, okay babe?"

"I do listen to you though Ty, I was listening when you said how guilty you'd feel if I gave it all up for you. I understand what that's like, I feel immensely guilty right now-"  
"Sorry sorry sorry sorry," fresh tears leaked down Tyler's face and Josh kissed his crown briefly.  
"You don't need to apologise, I do, I chose this line of work, you didn't choose to get sick. I'm sorry Tyler,"  
"I'm so sc-sca-scared,"  
"Of the voices?"  
"Of you leaving me!"  
"Ty,"  
"I, I, I won't let you leave your job, you can't keep working and look after me, we're, we're at gridlock, why not just leave me and do amazingly in y-your career and n-not be he-held b-b-back by m-me?"  
"Tyler that is never going to happen, you hear me? Never."

The idea of them separating suddenly struck Josh hard, and he was overcome with emotion. Of course he'd been emotionally invested in the conversation prior to that, but it was the first time that tears filled his eyes and he had to fight to keep them from rolling down his cheeks.

"Can you look at me babe?" Josh asked softly and Tyler sniffed, gulped, then pulled his head from Josh's soaked button up and met him with swollen glistening eyes. "I love you, I love you more than anything, and," he choked up a little and stroked Tyler's hair off his face whilst gathering himself the best he could. "And that's never gonna ch-change,"  
"Josh," Tyler seemed surprised that his husband had started crying, and reached up to softly stroke his jaw with a nervous but supportive hand.

"I'll take a week off, get a doctor's note for stress, and you do the same, and we'll work on this, okay?" Tears streamed down and he had to work very hard to keep his voice steady. "We'll work on you, and your thoughts, and we'll work on me, and my failing balancing act, and we'll work on us, yeah?"  
"Yeah," Tyler nodded but his voice was silent.  
"We'll fix this,"  
"I know we will," he pressed their foreheads together and held them for a moment, a beautifully powerful moment.

"I love you," Tyler said it first.  
"I love you too," Josh kissed him first.

**Author's Note:**

> Hopefully offering an insight into how Tyler's mental health went from the good place it was in the wedding fic to the low place in the main fic xx
> 
> Any other suggestions are welcomed xxx


End file.
